I saw the young friend this morning by the side of the Mission Road, in front of the Hanuman Temple. He was saying his prayer. He smiled as soon as our eyes met. I was returning home and he was to go to the garden of the Temple. We moved on, together, towards our destinations. He has been regularly following my status updates in the Facebook, he said. I smiled. I find him a person ever eager to take up good causes--- to be of help to persons in need; to come forward to participate in cleaning the temple premises, to take a lone sickman to the hospital; to attend to funeral of people not even close to him.
This morning he came up with a different issue. He told me about his mother in law. The lady is afflicted with obesity and has been suffering from various ailments as well. She used to go on walk with her husband regularly till a fateful day. She could not keep pace with him and at one stage she presumed he was still at some distance and she would be able to reach him. She walked on till she thought it appropriate to give up and return home. On return, she found him at home.
From that day not only did she stop accompanying him on walk but stopped walking on her own as well and fell victim to obesity and ailments. My young friend then spoke about his efforts to motivate his wife to accompany him on walk. He feels his wife was adding weight and must have regular exercise. She, however, feels that her child was too small to be left alone. She promises to accompany him after the child grows up.
I could not decide whether his mother-in-law was wrong or her husband. But I remembered an incident, about another couple. Both were professionals. The man was driving the scooter and the lady was at the back. The scooter negotiated a road hump and the lady fell off. The unmindful driver moved on quite a distance till the silence at the back became loud enough. He drove back on the look out of the missing wife and found her with a few bruises and justifiable anger. Both being doctors, they went to the hospital where they worked. We soon came to know about this. After a few days, both visited us and the lady narrated her experience. Her husband was apologetic and pleaded guilty. We realised that the rancour had worn out. Their love for each other had made them forget the incident. I did not mention about this incident to my young friend this morning. But we did talk for some time about relationship.
“In a family the male member, I said, was more responsible to make relationship succeed. He has to be the leader in sacrifice, making adjustments, in counseling, in meeting crises. He has to be the ultimate dispenser of comfort, security and justice. The young man was not sure if I was correct. “In many families, the husband feels he was immortal. He would not make a will; he will keep financial secrets close to his chest; he would not disclose how much he is in debt and who the lenders are; nor will he say where he has sunk his money and how much has been given on loan and to whom. Suddenly death strikes and the lady finds herself totally helpless. This is pure and simple tyranny”, I said.
I found him still unconvinced. “In many cases, the lady does not appreciate if the husband has helped someone needy even if the help was rendered to a person who was a blood relation. This attitude puts relationship on strain”, he said. “In such a case also, I would blame the husband, I said. He should have taken the wife into confidence. He should have explained to her the circumstances of the case and even should have suggested that she should take a decision in the matter. Family is not about perennial domination of either the husband or the wife; nor is it about permanent serfdom of either. It is an institution where there is no single cook. Here both must cook. And I would blame the man if the marriage is under strain”, I said.
He still remained unconvinced. I smiled. “I don’t want you to agree, I want you to think”, I said. He was somewhat relieved and smiled. We parted company. He went towards the garden and I walked home.
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28th December, 2014
This morning he came up with a different issue. He told me about his mother in law. The lady is afflicted with obesity and has been suffering from various ailments as well. She used to go on walk with her husband regularly till a fateful day. She could not keep pace with him and at one stage she presumed he was still at some distance and she would be able to reach him. She walked on till she thought it appropriate to give up and return home. On return, she found him at home.
From that day not only did she stop accompanying him on walk but stopped walking on her own as well and fell victim to obesity and ailments. My young friend then spoke about his efforts to motivate his wife to accompany him on walk. He feels his wife was adding weight and must have regular exercise. She, however, feels that her child was too small to be left alone. She promises to accompany him after the child grows up.
I could not decide whether his mother-in-law was wrong or her husband. But I remembered an incident, about another couple. Both were professionals. The man was driving the scooter and the lady was at the back. The scooter negotiated a road hump and the lady fell off. The unmindful driver moved on quite a distance till the silence at the back became loud enough. He drove back on the look out of the missing wife and found her with a few bruises and justifiable anger. Both being doctors, they went to the hospital where they worked. We soon came to know about this. After a few days, both visited us and the lady narrated her experience. Her husband was apologetic and pleaded guilty. We realised that the rancour had worn out. Their love for each other had made them forget the incident. I did not mention about this incident to my young friend this morning. But we did talk for some time about relationship.
“In a family the male member, I said, was more responsible to make relationship succeed. He has to be the leader in sacrifice, making adjustments, in counseling, in meeting crises. He has to be the ultimate dispenser of comfort, security and justice. The young man was not sure if I was correct. “In many families, the husband feels he was immortal. He would not make a will; he will keep financial secrets close to his chest; he would not disclose how much he is in debt and who the lenders are; nor will he say where he has sunk his money and how much has been given on loan and to whom. Suddenly death strikes and the lady finds herself totally helpless. This is pure and simple tyranny”, I said.
I found him still unconvinced. “In many cases, the lady does not appreciate if the husband has helped someone needy even if the help was rendered to a person who was a blood relation. This attitude puts relationship on strain”, he said. “In such a case also, I would blame the husband, I said. He should have taken the wife into confidence. He should have explained to her the circumstances of the case and even should have suggested that she should take a decision in the matter. Family is not about perennial domination of either the husband or the wife; nor is it about permanent serfdom of either. It is an institution where there is no single cook. Here both must cook. And I would blame the man if the marriage is under strain”, I said.
He still remained unconvinced. I smiled. “I don’t want you to agree, I want you to think”, I said. He was somewhat relieved and smiled. We parted company. He went towards the garden and I walked home.
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28th December, 2014
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